We have seen many clients lately who are in the process of negotiating the very contentious issue of spousal support. A concern that always arises in discussion of this topic is whether monthly spousal support should terminate with the re-partnering or re-marriage of the receiver.

Payor’s often want to see an end to these payments once their ex-spouse enters into a new conjugal relationship and the parties begin to reside together. Payor’s can find it unfair and sometimes distasteful to support this new arrangement financially.

On the other hand, receivers likely don’t want to lose these payments and therefore find themselves restricted in terms of moving forward in their new lives. Many receivers would like to begin dating in the hopes of developing a serious long term new relationship.

This is one of the more emotional areas in terms of negotiating spousal support. Both the payor and receiver have valid concerns in looking towards the future. It may help to put yourself in your ex-spouse’s position to fully understand their position and all of the ramifications of this decision.

It seems that for many families, talking about money is still taboo! The adults make it, the kids ask for it, and that’s that! That is simply NOT enough. We must instill in our children a sense of financial responsibility. This can begin as soon as they start learning their ‘A, B, Cs’.

Money affects us every day. Children must learn about income, expenses, needs, wants and saving. It is our job as parents to guide our children so that they have every opportunity to become financially responsible adults. You are probably thinking, ‘well if I don’t know much about finances, how in the world will I teach my children?’

There are so many great resources to guide you. At Alberta Divorce Finances we provide our clients with workbooks and resources to begin their child’s financial education. I assure you that these lessons are even more important than sports, dance, piano and every other activity that your child participates in. Most kids won’t just figure it out!

Our children are our blessing; show them how much you care.

At high school graduation, most teenagers dream about how they can change the world for the better.  As we move toward middle-age, it seems we become somewhat cynical and less passionate. I’m not exactly sure what happens along the way, but I do know that we always have a CHOICE. We can smile at the people we meet during the day or simply pass by, we can refrain from losing our patience in the long line at the grocery store or we can appear annoyed and frustrated with the clerk. You have a choice!

You also have a choice about how you handle the process and journey of separation and divorce. I know that during this process we often become angry, lose hope and become pessimistic.  But, if we take the road less travelled and approach negotiations with a positive attitude, with hope and optimism even though at times it seems impossible, we can all begin to make a difference! So I ask, can you really change the world?

Though social media has given us the opportunity to freely communicate with people on the other side of the world, track down long lost classmates or friends, become an overnight sensation, or learn at a distance, there is still a downside! In that moment that we may choose to ‘let loose’, I ask you, “Will what happens in Vegas, stay in Vegas?”

Though admittedly, I didn’t watch the Oprah Winfrey show very often, I did tune in to the 25 year finale show on May 25^th. Oprah has changed alot of lives and in more recent years her messages have always been about helping people understand the power they have to change their own lives. She spoke with a very well-known guest, Dr. Taylor (see her story at www.drjilltaylor.com) during the show about how we are each responsible for the energy we bring into the room, into a situation, ‘into this space’.

I thought that this message was so applicable to those of us who have travelled and are travelling the journey of divorce. Quite often, after separating, our self-worth and emotional well-being has been decimated. We may blame our unhappiness on our parents, our ex-spouse, our families, friends, etc. But really, truly, we are each responsible for our own happiness, we each have the power to choose what we make of and how we travel each day.

Each day we show the world who we truly are by the energy we transmit. Every evening I think back on the day that has gone by and wonder, what kind of energy did I transmit? Did I change the life of even one person? Regardless, I always try and do better the next day. Although quite often during divorce and even post-divorce we feel out of control in many areas of our lives, I speak from experience and can assure you that each day will be what you make it. The energy you receive will be in direct proportion to the energy you give out and only you are responsible for the choices you make, only you are responsible for your own happiness.

What energy will you bring into this space?

After a few episodes, it was clear that these women did not have an addiction, or any other type of problem, they were almost all wives and mothers of families that had fallen on tough times; loss of jobs, foreclosure, death, divorce, etc. Money became scarce and they needed to figure out some way to help their families through the hard times. Each episode focuses on a woman faced with this daunting challenge and each time she discovers that not only can she save thousands and thousands of dollars, she often realizes that couponing is more lucrative than working and in some extreme cases the family is actually able to attain material things that at one time seemed out of reach.

So what in the world does this have to do with separation and divorce? For many men and women, separation and divorce will require financial adjustments. You may have to return to work, reduce your spending, find a way to pay for children’s lessons, etc. My message is simple! If we put our minds to it and dig down deep enough, we can achieve amazing things that we never thought we were capable of!

Aside from seeking out financial, legal and other professionals, help in surviving the emotional side of divorce is equally as important. There are so many choices in our city. Individual counselling, group therapy, leader led support groups, member led support groups, and more are all available to you depending on your emotional needs, financial means, etc. If you don’t know where to look please email us, we are always happy to refer you. Emotional support will give you the strength and courage to make the decisions that you have to be made during the process. Emotional strength like education and knowledge will ensure that you are an empowered decision maker.

So, you and your ex have decided to live under the same roof; how can you make it work? You must have rules!

• Decide with your real estate professional, when and by how much you will continue to decrease the sale price of your home.
• Decide how the net sale proceeds of the home will be shared, even if it takes a very long time to sell your home.
• Decide how all household expenses will be shared (create a budget so it is clear from the start).
• Decide on a parenting plan so that both parties understand when each is responsible for the children.
• Come up with a system to inform each other of day-to-day schedules.
• MOST IMPORTANTLY, ensure you are both committed to keeping the atmosphere civil, respectful and co-operative.

Even if you and your ex-partner decide to stay in the house for a period of time, you can still go ahead and formalize a legal agreement with respect to your separation which includes all of your financial and parenting decisions.

Remember, the right decision is the one that works for the two of you and your children!

Regardless of family income level, men and women going through divorce are most often dealing with the biggest ‘what-ifs’ with respect to their financial future. We worry that there is no way that our family income pre-divorce can possibly support two households going forward. Become an empowered financial decision maker so that your heart and mind can begin to heal from the emotional toll of separation and divorce.

Three steps to help you feel more in control.

1. Educate, educate, educate! – Read books, attend seminars but most importantly seek out professional support to help you understand every aspect of the decisions that lie ahead. A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA™), lawyer and/or mediator, therapist and financial planner are all important members of ‘the Divorce Team’.
2. Prepare a Budget! – It is almost impossible to make financial decisions in divorce without at least taking a first stab at preparing your budget. Even if you have never done so, it is imperative to look at what the expense side of life will look like post-divorce. You cannot make financial decisions in divorce with any degree of certainty unless you know what your cash-in/cash-out situation will look like.
3. Surround yourself with POSITIVE energy! – We all know how easy it is to be negative and how negative relationships can influence our well-being. In divorce, it is crucial to surround yourself with only positive friends, family and professionals.

Following these three easy steps will help you to feel in control of the decisions that lie ahead.

The speaker at the conference, a well-known Canadian C.A. and Trustee, explained that “one out of every eight persons who experience a relationship breakdown will end up filing some sort of insolvency protection.” The emotional toll of a marital breakdown is difficult enough without having to consider the options to relieve financial distress. I want to stress though that if you and your spouse can co-operate, there are options to restructure your finances that when manageable are much better choices than filing for bankruptcy. In separation when some debts have become unmanageable, and at least one of you feels there is no other choice, education, more than ever is KEY!