Do people really have Divorce Parties?

In recent years celebrities like Heather Mills have brought ‘Divorce Parties’ to the forefront. There are books on how to throw one and planners dedicated to helping you host one.

‘Are you kidding me?’ were the first words out of my mouth when I’d heard that an acquaintance of mine was hosting a party when her divorce became final. I couldn’t fathom that people were actually celebrating the dissolution and finality of their marriage. Apart from death, is there actually anything more painful than divorce?

All of us set out and vowed that ‘from this day forward….we will love, honor and cherish…’ I believe that most of us had intended to stay married, nurture our children together and offer each other mutual support. Regardless of the reason, sometimes things just don’t work out. The decision to separate is made and we embark on a journey of pain, emotional turmoil and sadness. Then, once things are settled, we begin to heal as do our children and if we are lucky, we begin to mend our relationship with our ex-spouse and co-parent.

Is it really appropriate to celebrate a failed relationship? How do you think your children would feel to learn that Mom or Dad is hosting a ‘Divorce Party’? Is this ritual necessary? Is it truly something to gloat about? Surely there is a more humble way to thank those who supported you and stood by you. I understand that rituals provide comfort, community and closure but certainly there is a better way!

Can you control the ‘What-ifs’ in Divorce?

Suzie Orman once wrote that “A big part of financial freedom is having your heart and mind free from worry about the “what-ifs of life”. There is a myth that in divorce, having little control and being in a constant state of panic and fear is the way it has to be.

Regardless of family income level, men and women going through divorce are most often dealing with the biggest ‘what-ifs’ with respect to their financial future. We worry that there is no way that our family income pre-divorce can possibly support two households going forward. Become an empowered financial decision maker so that your heart and mind can begin to heal from the emotional toll of separation and divorce.

Three steps to help you feel more in control.

1. Educate, educate, educate! – Read books, attend seminars but most importantly seek out professional support to help you understand every aspect of the decisions that lie ahead. A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA™), lawyer and/or mediator, therapist and financial planner are all important members of ‘the Divorce Team’.
2. Prepare a Budget! – It is almost impossible to make financial decisions in divorce without at least taking a first stab at preparing your budget. Even if you have never done so, it is imperative to look at what the expense side of life will look like post-divorce. You cannot make financial decisions in divorce with any degree of certainty unless you know what your cash-in/cash-out situation will look like.
3. Surround yourself with POSITIVE energy! – We all know how easy it is to be negative and how negative relationships can influence our well-being. In divorce, it is crucial to surround yourself with only positive friends, family and professionals.

Following these three easy steps will help you to feel in control of the decisions that lie ahead.

Financial knowledge key to good divorce decisions

Read this article in the Calgary Herald and learn how important it is to educate yourself on your finance during your divorce. Your decisions depend on your knowledge.

It’s time to rejuvenate your body and mind

Over the years I have learned that we always require a break from any stressful, time-consuming work or activity. Lack of respite ensures we are less productive and zaps our energy. It is very common in separation and divorce, to make our divorce “work” all-consuming (especially for those working with lawyers). There is always a budget to fill out, affidavits to review, paperwork to find or copy and answers to seek out. Many men and women spend most of their waking hours, thinking about this effort or spending excessive amounts of time on what becomes a ‘project’. I know how this feels; you think about nothing else, you can’t sleep and so it is where you exert all of your effort. Though it is difficult, force yourself to sit out on the deck, take your kids to the park, or go for coffee or long walk with a friend today. It is essential to give your body and mind time to rejuvenate.

What is your money personality?

Most of us have heard that money is often the catalyst to a couple’s separation and divorce. Many of us have a difficult time keeping our relationships even keel when it comes to money.

In one of my newsletter, reference was made to a quiz on money personalities. The author’s point was that we often don’t realize that we all have different money personalities, different abilities with respect to saving money and different thresholds with respect to handling debt.  It is worth spending the time to make sure you are in tune with your personal money characteristics before making financial decisions in your separation and divorce. Decisions about retaining property is not just a simple one about dividing things fairly; you must also be able to decide if the cost of retaining these assets meets your comfort level for the debt load possibly required to do so (e.g. matrimonial home or recreational property). You must also be able to decide if the investments that you are contemplating retaining meet your desired level of saving and risk tolerance and if not, what steps must you take going forward? Finally, in separation and divorce negotiations, stay focused on your money personality and the decisions you must make. Though money can often be an emotional topic, especially in divorce, do your best to leave the emotion out of the decision making during this process or you may find that you end up retaining property for all of the wrong reasons.

Do you know what your money personality is? Click here to request your free money personality quiz!

Helping divorcing couples keep their money from the tax man

Well, we at Alberta Divorce Finances have survived another tax season (as most of you know we also spend 2 months of the year preparing over 200 tax returns). It was extremely busy this year but as always, very rewarding. It gives us great pleasure to keep money in our clients’ pockets (legally of course) and out of the hands of the TAX man. We worked with many divorcing clients this year and in many cases did the returns of divorcing couples; we prepared both spouse’s returns in order to maximize their joint tax savings. This may sound strange but many couples going through divorce want to save as much money as possible and are willing to have their tax preparer help them through this process together. There are many advantages to one ex-spouse versus the other claiming certain tax deductions or credits but you must be willing to SHARE in these savings. Co-operation and mutual respect in this area can prove very very lucrative. Don’t miss out!

Spring

Thank goodness it seems like spring has actually arrived. With spring’s arrival it always seems as if there is a renewed sense of hope and optimism. Spring also seems to bring with it a sense of urgency to get things done. For men and women going through divorce this sometimes translates into rushing through divorce negotiations in the hope of “getting it over with”, much like April’s spring cleaning and taxes. We all want to move forward as soon as possible. As much as this is true, we at Alberta Divorce Finances remind you that financial divorce negotiations will permanently affect your financial future probably to a larger extent than most any other financial decision that you will make during your life. These decisions require education, research and yes, often TIME. We encourage you to remember that time spent now will give you peace of mind later…..don’t make mistakes in your divorce that could have been avoided with the gift of time.

Should you keep the house as part of your divorce settlement?

The decision to keep the matrimonial home as part of your divorce decision is often an emotional one but there are many considerations before committing. At least one parent of the relationship often wants to keep the house for stability for the children.  As parents we all want what is best for our children, but is this decision best for us? 

Financial Considerations 

If there is a mortgage on your home, then you will have to re-qualify for a mortgage or home equity line of credit on your own. This present debt may grow even larger if you have to pay out your ex a share of the existing equity in your home to even out assets as well. 

Once you have qualified, will you be able to afford the monthly financial obligation to service this debt? You may also have present or future upkeep costs, utility costs, property taxes, etc. 

These financial responsibilities must be thoroughly considered so that you are able to manage your financial obligations. 

Other considerations 

Beyond the financial considerations, we must consider whether we will have the time and energy for upkeep on our home. You will now have the sole responsibility for all upkeep, when duties may have been shared before. The house must be cleaned and maintained, the walk shoveled, the grass cut, etc. 

Before insisting that you must keep the house for the children, give serious thought to all of the ramifications; you owe it to yourself and your children.